Creating the Perfect Child
What happens when children refuse to comply?
Illustration by Eliza Fricker (@_MissingTheMark on Twitter).
So much parenting advice is focused on outcome. What do you do in order to get your child to stop fighting, go to sleep more easily, listen to what you say? It’s not surprising that many parents get the idea that if they got it all right, they’d produce the perfect child.
Exactly what that perfect child might look like varies, but a lot of it is about compliance. We judge successful parenting by how compliant a child is. ‘Well-behaved’ children sit quietly and wait, without the distraction of an iPad. They stop hitting their brother when asked politely, and they learn their spellings every evening without protest. They ‘listen’ to their parents (usually a euphemism for doing what they are told without protest). They don’t refuse to leave the house, or their parent, they wave good bye and skip into school.
In order to produce this ideal child, parents are told to set boundaries, be warm but strict, have clear expectations and consequences. They are advised to count to three and use the naughty step, and to be consistent, right from the start. Don’t back down. Tell them the behaviour that you want to see.
Then some children come along who see right through this process. They refuse to have any part of it and they reject outright the strategies designed to produce compliance. Their parents start to flounder, because the advice they are given is often more of the same. Stricter boundaries, harsher consequences – and the more they do this, the more their child says no. Life quickly becomes a battle. No one is happy. Sometimes communication can completely break down - and still no one is backing down.
These children don’t need more of the same, they need a total rethink. The usual rule do not apply.
That’s what I’m talking about with Eliza Fricker in our next illustrated webinar, on Jan 18th. Low Demand Communication. It’s a follow up to our last webinar on low demand parenting. Please share anywhere that you think parents might benefit.
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/the-art-of-low-demand-parenting-communication-tickets-501926344207