That's a No

The psychology of demand avoidance

I have had the luck to work with some very forthright young people. There was Jack, who would spend time with me until he’d had enough, when he’d say ‘Naomi, can you leave now?’.

Then there was Amelia, who could walk into a room, pick up on any tension and would express it to everyone, usually by saying ‘Let’s go home’ (but not as politely). Simeon, who would greet visitors to his home with ‘Go away’ when he was in the middle of doing something – he knew that they were likely to distract his parents and that his pleasant activity would be over. Or sometimes he’d just shout ‘No talking Mummy’, to make it clear that this was not the time for distractions.

Sometimes it’s clear-sighted honesty, but sometimes it’s more than that. Some children seem to be born saying No. They say No to the park, no to playing games, no to things which all the other children seem to love. The answer No comes so fast that it can be bewildering – and yet when you push back on it, it comes back even stronger. It can feel like life is a minefield of No’s. Any direction you look in, there’s another No on the horizon.

Parents try to get around that No. They coax and plead, incentivise and persuade. When that doesn't work, they shout and tell children off. Yet everything they do seems to make things worse. They don’t understand what is going on for their child – and no one is happy. Nothing seems to make sense.

Some children experience the demands of the world around them as a threat. They feel pressured by all the requirements and expectations. The feelings are uncomfortable – and so they act to protect themselves. With a No.

The No is a shield. It protects them from uncertainty, from other people’s agendas and waves of unmanageable feelings. It keeps them safe – but it also stops them from doing things. The shield can become a cage.

How can we help them? That’s what I’m talking about next week in my webinar on the psychology of demand avoidance. Understand demand avoidance and what is really going on for your child. Discover why what you’ve been trying doesn’t work – and get some ideas as to what to do instead.

This is suitable for parents of children with and without a diagnosis. It’s suitable for parents who might just be starting to wonder whether demand avoidance might be an issue. Yes it’s recorded. Please share if you know parents who might benefit.