Walking on Eggshells
When nothing seems to help
Sarah was despondent. “I don’t know what to do” she said. “Lucas is eight, but he behaves like a toddler. The harder I try to set boundaries, the more he refuses to do what I ask. We’ve tried the Naughty Step, Time Out, sticker charts, taking away his screen time… none of it helps.”
In my work as a clinical psychologist, I talk to many parents like Sarah, who are doing their very best and yet who are floundering. In trying to help improve their children’s behaviour they find themselves locked into intense battles over daily routines. They describe life as like walking on eggshells; their children exploding at the slightest request.
Meanwhile, children like Lucas spend their lives never getting the prize at the end of the sticker chart – and feeling increasingly bad about themselves as a result. At school, their names are frequently in the Red Zone of the traffic light system. The other children resent them because their behaviour means that the whole class misses their playtime. They are often called naughty, badly behaved or defiant. They may well be sent for assessments to try and work out what is ‘wrong’.
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In the UK it's called Pathological Demand Avoidance (when it IS at a pathological level of course) and there's even a PDA Society. There are several books that are very helpful and online support as well. Alas, it is not recognized in the USA...
I so wish I had this kind of guidance when my kids were younger.
Even though my son was under CAMHS for his massively dysregulated behaviour, severe anxiety and daily meltdowns, nobody ever questioned what was behind his behaviour or suggested a neurodevelopmental assessment or an approach like this. Instead he was given CBT which he just played along with and I was sent on a 12 week course for parenting kids with challenging behaviour. It was all rewards, consequences and sticker charts (The Incredible Years). Thankfully he is in a really good place now aged 16 and we have a really good relationship - and I have told him many times how sorry I am for how I managed things back then. He is doing so well, he is head boy etc and such a high achiever, but I do wonder about the lasting impact on him from the way we parented him when he was small, and I wonder if his tendency to overwork and his need to always be the top student is linked to what happened in the past.
I have learned so much from Naomi Fisher's work and I share the webinars and blogposts with the numerous parents I come across all the time who are in the same boat that we were ten years ago.