Why are they fine, until we mention school?

My child seems fine – until I mention going to school or doing something educational. Then they are distressed, angry, unhappy – the day is ruined. What’s going on? Is that burnout? Are they faking it?

Parents often ask me about this. They say that their children are happily going about life, without any obvious signs of anxiety or distress, until they suggest school the next day. They feel like they are lying when they call the school to say that they won’t be in due to anxiety – because they don’t appear to be anxious, they’re out in the garden bouncing on the trampoline or playing Super Mario Maker 2 in the front room.

This is a child (and parent) who is caught. School isn’t working for this child, and the child knows it. However, when there’s no school, the child is fine. The problem is that being ‘fine’ is the sign that everyone is looking for in order to return them to school. So parent and child get stuck in an endless cycle. Child is doing okay, parent suggests school, child isn’t doing okay anymore.

Imagine if as an adult, you were in a highly stressful job which made you ill. You take some time off sick and immediately felt better – okay, back to work, you think. It only takes a week before you’re just as bad as you were the first time. You’re off again, until you feel better – then you’re back to work again and this time it only takes two days until you crash.

You’re stuck. Getting better means returning to the situation which was making you ill.

If a work (or school) situation isn’t right, then it isn’t enough to take some time off to recover. The recovery time is important, but it’s also important to make changes to the environment. Even if that’s hard to do. Find another job. Start working from home. See what changes can happen at school. Reassure the child that you aren’t going to force them back into school. Imagine yourself in this situation, with a stressful job. Would it help if someone forced you in?

Looking for resources on this?

I'm doing a talk with Liberated Learners on teenage burnout next Sunday Jan 26th which is pay-what-you-can.

Then there’s a webinar coming up on Feb 3rd about helping your child with burnout (this is for the under-12s).

I also have some pre-recorded courses on School Trauma and School Burnout.

And there’s my book with Eliza Fricker, The Teenager’s Guide to Burnout. It’s a self help book for young people with a chapter for parents.

Illustration by Eliza Fricker.