As an Autistic parent (to three Autistic kiddos), sadly, it took me into my late-20s/early-30s to finally learn a little self-control after having two rather controlling parental forces in my childhood and even into early adulthood—my live-in paternal grandmother and my father. My father took his lack of self-control out on my brother and I as his mother still "ruled the roost," it seems, to this day. He's never left her side. That realization—although "sweet" of him, depending on how you look at it—that his devotion to his mother as if she were a deity of kindness and not of control really opened my eyes to how I was parenting my own children. They're all sharp and question authority. It served as an earlier wake-up call in my late 20s when I had a toddler asking, "Why should I?" Not simply the curious, often repetitive, *why, why, whys* we can get from children: "Why *should* I?"
I had to answer the question for myself first, and I couldn't. I was just on parenting autopilot, letting history repeat itself. At first, it felt like disrespect from my kids, but when I took a step back, I saw three incredibly smart and thoughtful young people trying to figure things out for themselves. And them questioning authority was and is a gift I didn't realize I needed as a parent just as much as they needed the space to explore it as children. (I only questioned religion, and I'm just now realizing I felt like I had the space to because my family used to just drop us off at church, leave, and pick us up when it was over. Hmm.)
It's so nice to have a teen and pre-teens who speak up for themselves.
I still catch myself from time-to-time, slipping back into moments of wanting control, or rigid thinking patterns. But that's a "me-problem." I'm not trying to control *them,* I'm trying to control my chaotic environment that creates too much stimulation for my nervous system.
I regularly communicate with my kids that I'm learning things in my 30s that they got access to as children, and I apologize definitively. And mean it.
I'm grateful for the thoughtfulness, mindfulness, and greater access to information offered to us modern-day parents. I forgive my parents for not having access to the kind of information that could've made life better, or simply more fluid-feeling for us. And I recognize that coming from a family of neurodivergent people, we were always going to experience greater communication challenges and more. For my parents, having compliant kids meant they were doing things right, and they could be seen as "normal"—they could be a part of the "Parents Tribe" because clearly they were doing something well.
Thank you for this post. 💝 It's served as a mirror, and a reminder that I'm still trying and doing my best with and for my family. I'm going to make mistakes, but we're raising future adults, not robots.
Yes - but freedom has to be balanced with boundaries; "I want to watch TV all day", "I only want to eat junk food" and "I don't want to go to school" aren't choices we can responsibly allow our children to make.
And I know this from my own child - we set out with the best intentions along the lines of the above, and were the opposite of controlling, but then being burdened with too many choices at too young an age led to anxiety, especially as those choices often resulted in too much or inappropriate screen time.
A child that gets their own way all the time at home also becomes entitled and unable to resolve disagreements in the wider world, resorting to tantrums, name calling and sometimes threats or violence. We only need to look at behaviour on social media to see this becoming more of a problem.
There are rules and guidelines that control us all in the adult world - we need to set our children similarly responsible boundaries and be willing to enforce them, without trying to control too much.
I believe all children learn to self limit - realistically how many children would sit and watch TV all day forever and live off junk food? It would be a short lived occurrence.
I can assure you my experience has taught me this as I have two children diagnosed with PDA. They both absolutely understand there are boundaries, they are cognitively astute and aware of the world around them.
My eldest son is 24 now after getting a first class honours in his degree and working in a high pressured job meeting tight deadlines and achieving amazingly.
I have never been a didactic or controlling parent and I am a great believer in collaboration, discussions and debates. I have never used rewards and sanctions and I believe they do nothing to help develop skills for life.
We are all individuals with our own ideas and our decisions should be our own. I would not see it as someone getting their own way. If a behaviour is dysregulated then it would suggest a child lacks the skills to deal with a situation. Remembering Children do well when they can. If and when when this occurs I would use collaborative proactive solutions (livesinthebalance.org)
Giving children and young people the freedom to think and be critically aware of their own decisions allows them to reflect and take autonomy.
They develop an intrinsic motivation to succeed for themselves. For those who find 'control' more challenging and tricky to deal with they develop flexible thinking skills as a young person which will only go onto be a positive in their adult life as my eldest son has demonstrated 😀
This is so true.
As an Autistic parent (to three Autistic kiddos), sadly, it took me into my late-20s/early-30s to finally learn a little self-control after having two rather controlling parental forces in my childhood and even into early adulthood—my live-in paternal grandmother and my father. My father took his lack of self-control out on my brother and I as his mother still "ruled the roost," it seems, to this day. He's never left her side. That realization—although "sweet" of him, depending on how you look at it—that his devotion to his mother as if she were a deity of kindness and not of control really opened my eyes to how I was parenting my own children. They're all sharp and question authority. It served as an earlier wake-up call in my late 20s when I had a toddler asking, "Why should I?" Not simply the curious, often repetitive, *why, why, whys* we can get from children: "Why *should* I?"
I had to answer the question for myself first, and I couldn't. I was just on parenting autopilot, letting history repeat itself. At first, it felt like disrespect from my kids, but when I took a step back, I saw three incredibly smart and thoughtful young people trying to figure things out for themselves. And them questioning authority was and is a gift I didn't realize I needed as a parent just as much as they needed the space to explore it as children. (I only questioned religion, and I'm just now realizing I felt like I had the space to because my family used to just drop us off at church, leave, and pick us up when it was over. Hmm.)
It's so nice to have a teen and pre-teens who speak up for themselves.
I still catch myself from time-to-time, slipping back into moments of wanting control, or rigid thinking patterns. But that's a "me-problem." I'm not trying to control *them,* I'm trying to control my chaotic environment that creates too much stimulation for my nervous system.
I regularly communicate with my kids that I'm learning things in my 30s that they got access to as children, and I apologize definitively. And mean it.
I'm grateful for the thoughtfulness, mindfulness, and greater access to information offered to us modern-day parents. I forgive my parents for not having access to the kind of information that could've made life better, or simply more fluid-feeling for us. And I recognize that coming from a family of neurodivergent people, we were always going to experience greater communication challenges and more. For my parents, having compliant kids meant they were doing things right, and they could be seen as "normal"—they could be a part of the "Parents Tribe" because clearly they were doing something well.
Thank you for this post. 💝 It's served as a mirror, and a reminder that I'm still trying and doing my best with and for my family. I'm going to make mistakes, but we're raising future adults, not robots.
Yes - but freedom has to be balanced with boundaries; "I want to watch TV all day", "I only want to eat junk food" and "I don't want to go to school" aren't choices we can responsibly allow our children to make.
And I know this from my own child - we set out with the best intentions along the lines of the above, and were the opposite of controlling, but then being burdened with too many choices at too young an age led to anxiety, especially as those choices often resulted in too much or inappropriate screen time.
A child that gets their own way all the time at home also becomes entitled and unable to resolve disagreements in the wider world, resorting to tantrums, name calling and sometimes threats or violence. We only need to look at behaviour on social media to see this becoming more of a problem.
There are rules and guidelines that control us all in the adult world - we need to set our children similarly responsible boundaries and be willing to enforce them, without trying to control too much.
I believe all children learn to self limit - realistically how many children would sit and watch TV all day forever and live off junk food? It would be a short lived occurrence.
I can assure you my experience has taught me this as I have two children diagnosed with PDA. They both absolutely understand there are boundaries, they are cognitively astute and aware of the world around them.
My eldest son is 24 now after getting a first class honours in his degree and working in a high pressured job meeting tight deadlines and achieving amazingly.
I have never been a didactic or controlling parent and I am a great believer in collaboration, discussions and debates. I have never used rewards and sanctions and I believe they do nothing to help develop skills for life.
We are all individuals with our own ideas and our decisions should be our own. I would not see it as someone getting their own way. If a behaviour is dysregulated then it would suggest a child lacks the skills to deal with a situation. Remembering Children do well when they can. If and when when this occurs I would use collaborative proactive solutions (livesinthebalance.org)
Giving children and young people the freedom to think and be critically aware of their own decisions allows them to reflect and take autonomy.
They develop an intrinsic motivation to succeed for themselves. For those who find 'control' more challenging and tricky to deal with they develop flexible thinking skills as a young person which will only go onto be a positive in their adult life as my eldest son has demonstrated 😀