As a primary teacher, I think this resonates in school settings too. How much choice do we genuinely give young minds so they can learn what it means to decide yes or no? As adults, we talk about work life balance and not saying yes to everything, yet we raise our children in a culture where compliance is often expected.
We use low demand parenting for our recently deregistered twin girls but as carer for my disabled husband and working full time I have no idea how to facilitate my girls' self direction, let alone cope with the VCB directed towards me :*( Am I allowed to say no?
🤔 This one gave me food for thought. My instinctive reaction was to write: “but my son says no to everything!” And yet, when I look a little closer, that’s not actually true. He doesn’t say no to hanging out with friends, or playing games, or the idea (not yet reality) of going to Japan. He does say no to organised sports, after school clubs, concerts and reading (but not being read to, he likes that). So maybe the problem is that I’ve got FOMO on his behalf, and I want to make sure he says yes to things so he doesn’t miss out trying something he might like, but actually it’s his journey to discover what he likes and what he doesn’t, and part of that is is having the freedom to say no.
The one thing I struggle with is swimming lessons: he can swim, but hasn’t mastered the technique of the formal strokes, he paddles along and spends a lot of time swimming underwater (voluntarily, he likes it down there), and I worry I’m doing him a disservice by not making him go to lessons. But there it is again, my fear, my worry, my FOMO. If he can swim, and he enjoys it, does he need to master a particular technique? So much to think about!
Pathologizing children for saying no is the worst part! We need to look at the reasons behind the no if it's becoming problematic. Of course, sometimes it isn't a problem at all.
I taught a writing class for 7-to 9-year-old homeschoolers. Most of the time it was their choice what to write, but I brought in little 10-minute exercises to teach them skills. One day we were doing a short “how to” writing on how to make a sandwich. I prompted one girl a couple of times to get started.
The third time I passed her desk, she wasn't writing and she looked dejected. I pulled a chair close and asked if she could tell me what was going on. She told me she never eats sandwiches, so she was having trouble picturing the steps! She said her usual lunch was sushi. Of course, I let her change the topic to how to make sushi. She brightened up and finished the assignment easily. It's not always this simple, but can you imagine her feelings about me, the class, and writing in general if I had forced her?
As a primary teacher, I think this resonates in school settings too. How much choice do we genuinely give young minds so they can learn what it means to decide yes or no? As adults, we talk about work life balance and not saying yes to everything, yet we raise our children in a culture where compliance is often expected.
This is absolutely true for my child, and I see myself in a lot of this too. Thanks for writing about it!
We use low demand parenting for our recently deregistered twin girls but as carer for my disabled husband and working full time I have no idea how to facilitate my girls' self direction, let alone cope with the VCB directed towards me :*( Am I allowed to say no?
🤔 This one gave me food for thought. My instinctive reaction was to write: “but my son says no to everything!” And yet, when I look a little closer, that’s not actually true. He doesn’t say no to hanging out with friends, or playing games, or the idea (not yet reality) of going to Japan. He does say no to organised sports, after school clubs, concerts and reading (but not being read to, he likes that). So maybe the problem is that I’ve got FOMO on his behalf, and I want to make sure he says yes to things so he doesn’t miss out trying something he might like, but actually it’s his journey to discover what he likes and what he doesn’t, and part of that is is having the freedom to say no.
The one thing I struggle with is swimming lessons: he can swim, but hasn’t mastered the technique of the formal strokes, he paddles along and spends a lot of time swimming underwater (voluntarily, he likes it down there), and I worry I’m doing him a disservice by not making him go to lessons. But there it is again, my fear, my worry, my FOMO. If he can swim, and he enjoys it, does he need to master a particular technique? So much to think about!
Everything you write resonates with me and I share it widely with friends. Thank you so much!
Pathologizing children for saying no is the worst part! We need to look at the reasons behind the no if it's becoming problematic. Of course, sometimes it isn't a problem at all.
I taught a writing class for 7-to 9-year-old homeschoolers. Most of the time it was their choice what to write, but I brought in little 10-minute exercises to teach them skills. One day we were doing a short “how to” writing on how to make a sandwich. I prompted one girl a couple of times to get started.
The third time I passed her desk, she wasn't writing and she looked dejected. I pulled a chair close and asked if she could tell me what was going on. She told me she never eats sandwiches, so she was having trouble picturing the steps! She said her usual lunch was sushi. Of course, I let her change the topic to how to make sushi. She brightened up and finished the assignment easily. It's not always this simple, but can you imagine her feelings about me, the class, and writing in general if I had forced her?