I am grateful for your words and insight. Isn't Divergence a departure from the norm and established pattern? As a parent of a PDA Autistic child and as a person with a neurodivergent brain, I have found that there are no one-size-fits-all solutions or even tidy categories. It is complicated and that is part of the point.
“I’m not always right. I’m not always fully informed. I have a lot still to learn. But if we can’t tolerate disagreement, then we can no longer develop our ideas and refine our thinking.”
That’s a really helpful thing to read Naomi. If we have to wait until we’re 100% right about everything in every situation then there are no voices and people stay silent. It’s not possible to speak for everyone - and your posts don’t give me the impression you are- but that doesn’t mean you have to stay silent.
Keep posting, keep educating please.
I’m coming to the conclusion that schools should be teaching debate and disagreement. To understand the nuances of different opinions and be curious about the words people use and what they mean by them rather than jumping to conclusions. It’s akin to a modern day witch hunt. No room for discussion or different opinions
And here you go and do it yet again, writing with vulnerability sharing just the way you experience things. That's courage and strength and the fact that we've all been trained to try and paper over the cracks to look good is both why people give you such a hard time and why doing it anyway is so precious. Thank you, Naomi
Please continue with your work. I hope you don’t mind me speaking somewhat directly to you.
I’m not a psychologist, I’m a lawyer who works in a courtroom every day. In my experience, disagreement causes extreme agitation. I’ve learned it’s not personal although it seems so very, very personal. I’ve found it impossible at times to not take it personally.
Perhaps it’s because the other person is reacting to some truth in what the other person is saying. Or any or a myriad of reasons or combination of those.
My two cents - social media / internet / the Information Age is a unique human development and pivotal moment in history. Similar to road rage, online discourse triggers aggression for some reason we don’t yet understand. Maybe in a few hundred years, with perspective, there will be a cogent explanation for the vitriolic responses you receive.
I’m sure I would want to hide, disconnect, feel depressed, feel huge adrenaline surges every time someone attacked me like that. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there, I can only imagine.
Your work is extremely helpful, articulate, thoughtful, and thorough.
Please continue. I hoped writing this article helped dispel some of the negativity you had to absorb.
But these people have the problem, not you. Or, the solution is that they need to temper their reactivity. But the solution is not you shutting up for their comfort.
For example, I had a visceral reaction to one of your articles. It was about not blaming mothers for not leaving abusive marriages. I haven’t read it yet. I’m sure it contains a lot of truth - probably truth I don’t want to hear. Also, my mother was highly abusive in her own right - perhaps related to patriarchy, perhaps not.
I was somehow able to just skip that article. I’m sure it was another well-written, well-thought out article.
Finally, I am somehow able to skip things that trigger me. But this ability developed after years of therapy and years as an attorney. I’m not sure my equanimity is always a good thing - being non-reactive has an emotional cost, I am sure.
I’ve noticed a trend in discourse where there is a lot more apologizing, qualification, things like, “This may not work for you,” that can take time to articulate. You do this very well. But you can only do so much before you move on to articulate the point you are making.
In the past, I heard a lot more blanket statements and judgments in public discourse. I would rather there be more qualifications and accommodations and “I statements” than the discourse from the past that was so preachy and undermining.
However, I don’t think there is any way to talk about feminism and motherhood without disagreement. Those people just need to get over it - I used to be reactive like that, so I get it. I hope you can perhaps find a way to exorcise the negativity. I really loom forward to your work.
Great article. I’ve been reflecting on this myself. ‘Taking positions’ and squashing dialogue is so unhelpful. I hope you continue your excellent work.
I look forward to your posts. They are well written, thought provoking and informative. The graciousness of your response is evidence of a thoughtful compassionate human being. Keep your head up high and know that many many people benefit from your care.
Oh my goodness Naomi, I had no idea you faced such vitriol. Please keep informing people about neurdivergance. We need you to stand up for our families. Your courses help us stay sane. They give us hope when things are really hard and right now things are really hard. I've recommended your books to professional who's ideas are so outdated they are dangerous. I'm sorry you face such abuse but there are so many more of us out there who appreciate your every utterance. ❤️
oh my gosh... when you wrote "...that to them, this feels personal. It feels like I am dismissing their perspective and that by doing so, I am harming them. They disagree when I say, for example, that their experience isn’t the experience of everyone." ... This was the very issue I had this morning with a couple of people I dearly love and who love me.
The angry response is a defensive stance designed to shut me down. And I'm starting to recognise elements of gaslighting in it.
But it's all defensive. And for me, as much as I hate the experience of it, I recognise and celebrate that this tension, this conflict, is often the leading edge of learning (but not always, sometimes it is simply baiting).
I know that when I'm on the edge of learning something there is usually some form of chaos and that it feels uncomfortable. And that sometimes I need to lean into it, and own my angry response, examine why I felt provoked, what lesson is in there for me to learn.
So when I get angry responses, and they're super stressful for me to experience, I stay hopeful, wondering if this person is skirting on the edge of transformative learning? It may arrive soon, or it might need a dozen or more encounters for whatever this person needs to learn becomes clear to them.
But mostly I do what I need to look after myself, so that I can stay confident doing what I need to do, which is express myself, share my thoughts.
I appreciate you. I am grateful for you. Please remember that for every angry person there may be a hundred quiet people appreciating what you wrote, and being upset on your behalf for the awful and misinformed things people are saying to you. I have often wished you were writing when my kids were young. I would have loved just one person to be saying your truths. Thank you for doing it now
Having been an active participant in some social media discussions for many years, it seems to me that a number of people post angry comments just so they can get attention.
They are basically “acting out” in order to be noticed by others. These types of people can be determined by the quality of content in their comments.
These are the posts that have no real substance or logic in them (“you are saying you can cure autism”), so they are easy to pick out. Or they are just hurling blatant personal attacks and insults.
It is difficult to ignore such remarks when your motive is to try to help others achieve a better understanding of the topic you are presenting.
I’ve noticed some page managers (Facebook and Instagram) are now more quick to delete the confrontational comments, thereby making for a safer environment for open discussions.
If people want to be hostile, they need to realize that such behavior will not be tolerated. If they were truly wanting to add to the discussion, they could instead use respectful rhetoric.
I’m so sorry you have had to endure this unfortunate experience, but please know that many of us greatly appreciate your blogs and the important information you have to share with us.
I think you are wonderful. Perhaps I should gush all over this comment and somehow balance out the sting from undeserved anger 💕 but I'm sure you don't need me to 😁 Keep up the excellent and well balanced work please 🙏
Your words may make some feel angry, but I reckon there are far more of us who feel seen, heard and validated. Thank you for your work, we appreciate it so much. But so sorry you receive such anger and vitriol.
You may make people angry, but you also make a lot of people like me happy--all while helping us become better humans.
I am grateful for your words and insight. Isn't Divergence a departure from the norm and established pattern? As a parent of a PDA Autistic child and as a person with a neurodivergent brain, I have found that there are no one-size-fits-all solutions or even tidy categories. It is complicated and that is part of the point.
“I’m not always right. I’m not always fully informed. I have a lot still to learn. But if we can’t tolerate disagreement, then we can no longer develop our ideas and refine our thinking.”
That’s a really helpful thing to read Naomi. If we have to wait until we’re 100% right about everything in every situation then there are no voices and people stay silent. It’s not possible to speak for everyone - and your posts don’t give me the impression you are- but that doesn’t mean you have to stay silent.
Keep posting, keep educating please.
I’m coming to the conclusion that schools should be teaching debate and disagreement. To understand the nuances of different opinions and be curious about the words people use and what they mean by them rather than jumping to conclusions. It’s akin to a modern day witch hunt. No room for discussion or different opinions
And here you go and do it yet again, writing with vulnerability sharing just the way you experience things. That's courage and strength and the fact that we've all been trained to try and paper over the cracks to look good is both why people give you such a hard time and why doing it anyway is so precious. Thank you, Naomi
Please keep writing. You shine light in the darkness.
Please continue with your work. I hope you don’t mind me speaking somewhat directly to you.
I’m not a psychologist, I’m a lawyer who works in a courtroom every day. In my experience, disagreement causes extreme agitation. I’ve learned it’s not personal although it seems so very, very personal. I’ve found it impossible at times to not take it personally.
Perhaps it’s because the other person is reacting to some truth in what the other person is saying. Or any or a myriad of reasons or combination of those.
My two cents - social media / internet / the Information Age is a unique human development and pivotal moment in history. Similar to road rage, online discourse triggers aggression for some reason we don’t yet understand. Maybe in a few hundred years, with perspective, there will be a cogent explanation for the vitriolic responses you receive.
I’m sure I would want to hide, disconnect, feel depressed, feel huge adrenaline surges every time someone attacked me like that. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there, I can only imagine.
Your work is extremely helpful, articulate, thoughtful, and thorough.
Please continue. I hoped writing this article helped dispel some of the negativity you had to absorb.
But these people have the problem, not you. Or, the solution is that they need to temper their reactivity. But the solution is not you shutting up for their comfort.
For example, I had a visceral reaction to one of your articles. It was about not blaming mothers for not leaving abusive marriages. I haven’t read it yet. I’m sure it contains a lot of truth - probably truth I don’t want to hear. Also, my mother was highly abusive in her own right - perhaps related to patriarchy, perhaps not.
I was somehow able to just skip that article. I’m sure it was another well-written, well-thought out article.
Finally, I am somehow able to skip things that trigger me. But this ability developed after years of therapy and years as an attorney. I’m not sure my equanimity is always a good thing - being non-reactive has an emotional cost, I am sure.
I’ve noticed a trend in discourse where there is a lot more apologizing, qualification, things like, “This may not work for you,” that can take time to articulate. You do this very well. But you can only do so much before you move on to articulate the point you are making.
In the past, I heard a lot more blanket statements and judgments in public discourse. I would rather there be more qualifications and accommodations and “I statements” than the discourse from the past that was so preachy and undermining.
However, I don’t think there is any way to talk about feminism and motherhood without disagreement. Those people just need to get over it - I used to be reactive like that, so I get it. I hope you can perhaps find a way to exorcise the negativity. I really loom forward to your work.
Please continue. Be well.
Appreciate you! A global challenge for humanity; how can we follow this insight and build our disagreement muscles?
Great article. I’ve been reflecting on this myself. ‘Taking positions’ and squashing dialogue is so unhelpful. I hope you continue your excellent work.
I look forward to your posts. They are well written, thought provoking and informative. The graciousness of your response is evidence of a thoughtful compassionate human being. Keep your head up high and know that many many people benefit from your care.
Oh my goodness Naomi, I had no idea you faced such vitriol. Please keep informing people about neurdivergance. We need you to stand up for our families. Your courses help us stay sane. They give us hope when things are really hard and right now things are really hard. I've recommended your books to professional who's ideas are so outdated they are dangerous. I'm sorry you face such abuse but there are so many more of us out there who appreciate your every utterance. ❤️
Way to go. Agreeing to disagree is fundamental.
oh my gosh... when you wrote "...that to them, this feels personal. It feels like I am dismissing their perspective and that by doing so, I am harming them. They disagree when I say, for example, that their experience isn’t the experience of everyone." ... This was the very issue I had this morning with a couple of people I dearly love and who love me.
The angry response is a defensive stance designed to shut me down. And I'm starting to recognise elements of gaslighting in it.
But it's all defensive. And for me, as much as I hate the experience of it, I recognise and celebrate that this tension, this conflict, is often the leading edge of learning (but not always, sometimes it is simply baiting).
I know that when I'm on the edge of learning something there is usually some form of chaos and that it feels uncomfortable. And that sometimes I need to lean into it, and own my angry response, examine why I felt provoked, what lesson is in there for me to learn.
So when I get angry responses, and they're super stressful for me to experience, I stay hopeful, wondering if this person is skirting on the edge of transformative learning? It may arrive soon, or it might need a dozen or more encounters for whatever this person needs to learn becomes clear to them.
But mostly I do what I need to look after myself, so that I can stay confident doing what I need to do, which is express myself, share my thoughts.
And I love that you're sharing yours.
I appreciate you. I am grateful for you. Please remember that for every angry person there may be a hundred quiet people appreciating what you wrote, and being upset on your behalf for the awful and misinformed things people are saying to you. I have often wished you were writing when my kids were young. I would have loved just one person to be saying your truths. Thank you for doing it now
This!! You expressed the words I wanted to express 😅🙏🏽♥️
Having been an active participant in some social media discussions for many years, it seems to me that a number of people post angry comments just so they can get attention.
They are basically “acting out” in order to be noticed by others. These types of people can be determined by the quality of content in their comments.
These are the posts that have no real substance or logic in them (“you are saying you can cure autism”), so they are easy to pick out. Or they are just hurling blatant personal attacks and insults.
It is difficult to ignore such remarks when your motive is to try to help others achieve a better understanding of the topic you are presenting.
I’ve noticed some page managers (Facebook and Instagram) are now more quick to delete the confrontational comments, thereby making for a safer environment for open discussions.
If people want to be hostile, they need to realize that such behavior will not be tolerated. If they were truly wanting to add to the discussion, they could instead use respectful rhetoric.
I’m so sorry you have had to endure this unfortunate experience, but please know that many of us greatly appreciate your blogs and the important information you have to share with us.
Bright Blessings to You!
I think you are wonderful. Perhaps I should gush all over this comment and somehow balance out the sting from undeserved anger 💕 but I'm sure you don't need me to 😁 Keep up the excellent and well balanced work please 🙏
Your words may make some feel angry, but I reckon there are far more of us who feel seen, heard and validated. Thank you for your work, we appreciate it so much. But so sorry you receive such anger and vitriol.