I’ve been observing small children this summer. On beaches, at the swimming pool, in the playground with their parents. Watching their focus and dedication to the things they find meaningful. Watching how much satisfaction they get from doing things their own way, and how strong that drive is. Watching how idiosyncratic their interests are, with one being fascinated by squirrels and another interested in fire engines.
This is true. I had punishment oriented parents who expected you to abide by the system and all it's expectations and rules. I felt like I was constantly working against myself.
I did the complete opposite with my kids. I went into what they liked. My oldest had an entire career before he was 22 and then decided to go to college to pursue something else. My younger ones skip many grades because they self pace and learn what they most want to learn about.
We are capable of so much more when allowed to be exactly what we are supposed to be.
It’s hard to imagine a comment more rude than “You suck. You really do.” My aim was to encourage the author to give a marginal boost to the piece by making sure there are no typos, of which there was at least one. Perhaps I could have worded it more diplomatically, but I won’t be taking lessons in diplomacy from someone who says “You suck. You really do.”
After seeing Jeannette’s comment I reread yours. It seems unlikely that punishment-oriented parents were not also harshly critical, something I had extensive experience with thanks to a mother who never missed an opportunity to run me into the ground from the time I was 11. It took me many, many years to realize that she had not only made me a mindlessly critical person but that I had PTSD from having had to grow up with my worst enemy in the house. I had no idea how negative I was for a long time, nor how much a prisoner of my PTSD, but after many years I am mostly on the upward, healing curve of my journey. Rereading your criticism of me after rereading your description of your parents literally gave me a flashback. You may have even more critical words for me after reading this, lol, but that’s OK. I have compassion for you now that I didn’t have when I read your first response to me. I wish for you the healing that I’ve enjoyed. It’s hard-won but 1,000% worth it. All the best.
This is such a great idea. So, if punishment and rewards are counter-productive to genuine learning, then what's better approach for parents to support children on a daily basis? How do I praise my child without making it a big deal and turning praise and reward into a goal? Thank you!
This is true. I had punishment oriented parents who expected you to abide by the system and all it's expectations and rules. I felt like I was constantly working against myself.
I did the complete opposite with my kids. I went into what they liked. My oldest had an entire career before he was 22 and then decided to go to college to pursue something else. My younger ones skip many grades because they self pace and learn what they most want to learn about.
We are capable of so much more when allowed to be exactly what we are supposed to be.
Good article. Elements here of Goodhart's law: https://www.cna.org/reports/2022/09/goodharts-law
Heartening piece and a good reminder.
I like how straightforwardly this important perspective is written here. I would only ask that you do a final proofreading before sending it out.
You suck. You really do.
Was my suggestion so outrageous? I really suck? Wow, someone’s got a thin skin…
Your suggestion is not outrageous it is just rude and inconsiderate. Did you pay for this no. It is gift. Treat it as such.
It’s hard to imagine a comment more rude than “You suck. You really do.” My aim was to encourage the author to give a marginal boost to the piece by making sure there are no typos, of which there was at least one. Perhaps I could have worded it more diplomatically, but I won’t be taking lessons in diplomacy from someone who says “You suck. You really do.”
This comment seems quite at odds with your original one. Unnecessary, rude and immature.
My comment is not rude the person criticizing over grammar and perfection is rude.
After seeing Jeannette’s comment I reread yours. It seems unlikely that punishment-oriented parents were not also harshly critical, something I had extensive experience with thanks to a mother who never missed an opportunity to run me into the ground from the time I was 11. It took me many, many years to realize that she had not only made me a mindlessly critical person but that I had PTSD from having had to grow up with my worst enemy in the house. I had no idea how negative I was for a long time, nor how much a prisoner of my PTSD, but after many years I am mostly on the upward, healing curve of my journey. Rereading your criticism of me after rereading your description of your parents literally gave me a flashback. You may have even more critical words for me after reading this, lol, but that’s OK. I have compassion for you now that I didn’t have when I read your first response to me. I wish for you the healing that I’ve enjoyed. It’s hard-won but 1,000% worth it. All the best.
Absolutely 💯 there's nothing more rewarding than cooperation and understanding
This is such a great idea. So, if punishment and rewards are counter-productive to genuine learning, then what's better approach for parents to support children on a daily basis? How do I praise my child without making it a big deal and turning praise and reward into a goal? Thank you!
Delightfully true words. The process is everything.