I read somewhere that the way we speak to children becomes their inner monologue. I think about that every day and use it to speak to them how I hope they speak to themselves one day.
This, precisely. I've been in early childhood for 20 years, and I mostly work with caregivers - teachers and parents - and I bring this up all the time. Children construct their understanding of the world by observing it and interacting with it. The way we talk about children becomes their self-talk, because they have trust that people who are moving through the world with confidence (as adults appear to!) know what they're talking about. Shy, sensitive, naughty, bad, good, pretty, lazy, big - children internalize these. We have a huge responsibility as caregivers to understand this, be careful with our words, and include children in dialogue about their self-talk and really try to get a sense of what they think about themselves.
I still have the legacy of ‘disorganised’ and ‘scientific’ that my mum brushed me with, yet I’m increasingly starting to realise I have much more love for the arts than I used to and that I do know how to keep myself together. It’s taken until I’m 32 to think that maybe I’m different to who I was brought up to think I was.
How many adults can recall something like this from our childhood? I was that should who was always sick, and because of that I was also very anxious. I remember one school report where the teacher shamed me for missing so many days, and how if I “applied myself better” I would be an A student. I was so upset and filled with shame, I was only about 10. I’d had surgery and subsequent infections, something I couldn’t help. I still think about it sometimes, amongst other examples. I’ve had talks with friends, now that we have our own kids, about how this affected us and how we worry for our children’s journeys through school. We all had our own recollections, which proves that it does indeed stay with you.
I’m not sure what your message means, I never said myself or my son would be sick forever?
I also didn’t request your advice or toxic positivity. “Heal yourself” is a condescending trope used by wellness warriors to induce shame, which is exactly what I was talking about. You know absolutely nothing about myself or my life beyond a short anecdote, so perhaps next time you feel like giving out unsolicited “advice” you could just not.
It reminds me of a time I did the “egg parachute” activity with a 5 years old. Before dropping the egg, we spent some time decorating it. We drew two eyes and a mouth on it. And the boy started listening to the egg, telling me there was a baby chick in it.
I played along, as I thought this was a fun idea. When came the time to attach the egg to the parachute and drop it from the building, he refused. Of course, I should have listened. Unfortunately, because we were shooting a tutorial video for work, I insisted, and he complied.
When he found the egg shattered on the ground, he bursted into tears. He remained mad at me for many weeks, as he should. This is a lesson I will never forget.
If you’re interested, I talk about this experience more in depth in this post:
As the parent of a child who is unable to make it to school many days due to a chronic autoimmune disease, I so appreciate what you are writing about and sharing. Thank you.
Great point Jeanette. I think you sharing your experience is so helpful for others like me and many more that won’t actually say that they are happy to hear your experience…. As well as thank goodness this author put the article out. I had/have food problems due to being “rewarded” as well as “punished” during elementary years; and have vaguely realized as a daughter of a BPD mother, “singing for my supper” was “appropriate.” (Meaning I had to cry an awful lot until I was in despair to get formula as she found nursing disgusting.). I have exercise problems from being banned from recess in 3rd grade along with my two misfit friends (me, also a misfit who acted and behaved on command to the most charitable acclimatization, dressed in nicer clothes). If only we did this or that. Think again. It’s more likely the person telling us what to do has a problem. Thankfully, we don’t need to operate so basic. Not to the extreme of never helping anyone out with kind regard but a little constructive criticism (sigh - please tell me there is a more helpful verb than that… it’s late, did 15 hours with my kids and so help me!)
I read somewhere that the way we speak to children becomes their inner monologue. I think about that every day and use it to speak to them how I hope they speak to themselves one day.
That’s great.. I love this Jack 👍🥰
Powerful way of looking at it isn’t it?
This, precisely. I've been in early childhood for 20 years, and I mostly work with caregivers - teachers and parents - and I bring this up all the time. Children construct their understanding of the world by observing it and interacting with it. The way we talk about children becomes their self-talk, because they have trust that people who are moving through the world with confidence (as adults appear to!) know what they're talking about. Shy, sensitive, naughty, bad, good, pretty, lazy, big - children internalize these. We have a huge responsibility as caregivers to understand this, be careful with our words, and include children in dialogue about their self-talk and really try to get a sense of what they think about themselves.
I still have the legacy of ‘disorganised’ and ‘scientific’ that my mum brushed me with, yet I’m increasingly starting to realise I have much more love for the arts than I used to and that I do know how to keep myself together. It’s taken until I’m 32 to think that maybe I’m different to who I was brought up to think I was.
How many adults can recall something like this from our childhood? I was that should who was always sick, and because of that I was also very anxious. I remember one school report where the teacher shamed me for missing so many days, and how if I “applied myself better” I would be an A student. I was so upset and filled with shame, I was only about 10. I’d had surgery and subsequent infections, something I couldn’t help. I still think about it sometimes, amongst other examples. I’ve had talks with friends, now that we have our own kids, about how this affected us and how we worry for our children’s journeys through school. We all had our own recollections, which proves that it does indeed stay with you.
Also - I have a person in my life who says “how sick her son was from
Day one! Now he is I’ll forever.” Stay away from energy like
That. Heal yourself. You can.
I’m not sure what your message means, I never said myself or my son would be sick forever?
I also didn’t request your advice or toxic positivity. “Heal yourself” is a condescending trope used by wellness warriors to induce shame, which is exactly what I was talking about. You know absolutely nothing about myself or my life beyond a short anecdote, so perhaps next time you feel like giving out unsolicited “advice” you could just not.
Great post, thank you!
It reminds me of a time I did the “egg parachute” activity with a 5 years old. Before dropping the egg, we spent some time decorating it. We drew two eyes and a mouth on it. And the boy started listening to the egg, telling me there was a baby chick in it.
I played along, as I thought this was a fun idea. When came the time to attach the egg to the parachute and drop it from the building, he refused. Of course, I should have listened. Unfortunately, because we were shooting a tutorial video for work, I insisted, and he complied.
When he found the egg shattered on the ground, he bursted into tears. He remained mad at me for many weeks, as he should. This is a lesson I will never forget.
If you’re interested, I talk about this experience more in depth in this post:
https://widewalls.substack.com/p/building-empathy-lesson-learned
As the parent of a child who is unable to make it to school many days due to a chronic autoimmune disease, I so appreciate what you are writing about and sharing. Thank you.
Great point Jeanette. I think you sharing your experience is so helpful for others like me and many more that won’t actually say that they are happy to hear your experience…. As well as thank goodness this author put the article out. I had/have food problems due to being “rewarded” as well as “punished” during elementary years; and have vaguely realized as a daughter of a BPD mother, “singing for my supper” was “appropriate.” (Meaning I had to cry an awful lot until I was in despair to get formula as she found nursing disgusting.). I have exercise problems from being banned from recess in 3rd grade along with my two misfit friends (me, also a misfit who acted and behaved on command to the most charitable acclimatization, dressed in nicer clothes). If only we did this or that. Think again. It’s more likely the person telling us what to do has a problem. Thankfully, we don’t need to operate so basic. Not to the extreme of never helping anyone out with kind regard but a little constructive criticism (sigh - please tell me there is a more helpful verb than that… it’s late, did 15 hours with my kids and so help me!)